This is a scam, I thought, but I was still intrigued. When you see “CBC” in the email from your respondent, you read it and almost have a chuckle. Oh, I see-so the CBC was gonna make a radio program that I happened to fit all the criteria for exactly. Where is the punchline, lady? How much is this fake podcast gonna cost me? Then I checked the email address and realized life can be really interesting at times.
You see, the email was from a producer at CBC working with a student on an internship. The student’s goal was to create a radio program, and they’d decided it would be about bipolar disorder. Patients who had been in a psychiatric ward. I’m a really cool guy-I had been there and done that (and literally had a T-shirt). So I responded to Luke and said, let’s go.
I met the two of them via Zoom, and it was one of the coolest experiences of my life. Here was a producer at CBC, one of the finest institutions in the world. Luke was a fantastic artist and a writing star in film media. We were supposed to talk for about half an hour. We ended up talking forever. You see, mental illness, bipolar disorder, and psychiatric wards are some of my favorite topics, and I can go forever.
I shared my story of how I ended up in the psychiatric ward. We talked about what the ward was like, especially compared to what we expected going in. Our conversation ran way over, and they asked me to come into the studio to talk about my experience as part of the program, which would reach many different people.
I went into the CBC building in Toronto. I’ve been in there several times because it’s often a passageway to other places, but it was so cool to be there for the CBC. The studio visit was surreal to this day. It’s one of my favorite things ever. It actually felt kind of like being in a movie because it was so similar to the types of studios you see in shows or films, or even the actual studio itself from different sources. I was put next to a mic that probably costs more than my rent, across from Luke. I was given over-the-ear headphones, and then we did some mic testing. It was kind of like being in a very cool situation I’d never really thought about. Talking was fascinating because I wanted to make my voice sound as good as possible-which is kind of silly, but also, that is actually the truth. And so Luke and I talked about my experiences. He had a bunch of questions ready, and we had such a good time that we went over our allotted time by a lot.
We simultaneously continued our conversation from before and started a brand new one, with Luke asking me some guiding questions so I could expand. I ended up talking about the stigma surrounding psychiatric wards. The fact that “Looney Bin” is still a semi-commonly used phrase tells you everything I need to know. I talked about the complexity of navigating relationships with bipolar disorder, and the impact it had when I went into the ward. I talked about the community we all built, getting to know each other during the world’s greatest World Cup.
Most of all, I tried to talk about the hope. It’s not easy going into the psychiatric ward. Honestly, in many ways, it’s even harder coming out. During this whole time, you’re worried, anxious, scared, and perhaps angry. You’re trying to find meaning in the world again; you’re trying to be someone who is not constantly suffering. It’s not easy.
Once again, Luke and I went over time. I don’t remember if we ever finished that question, but what I do know is that I was really grateful for that opportunity. I don’t believe my story is unique. I believe every story is unique, and the most important thing any story can do for all of us is to help us feel seen and connected. That’s why I wanted to do the radio interview, that’s why I write what I do, and that’s why I try to advocate in general for mental illness and health.
I remember walking out and feeling a strange mix of excitement and sadness. The sadness came from having this wonderful experience and feeling like it ended way too fast. There was so much more I wanted to say and share. I can be quite self-centered, but this was not that kind of feeling. This was about wanting to share my story so that both those who suffer from mental illness and those trying to understand it could see one perspective.
I also left excited because it reaffirmed my desire to be a voice for people like me-to help them feel heard and listened to-and to encourage those without mental illness to better understand what the story is like for us. In a way, it felt like I truly found my purpose that day. It is a process, it is not always consistent, but it is something I try to do in every conversation about this topic.
The headphones might have come off, the mic might have been turned off, and the discussion might have ended that day, but my journey in continuing to be a voice for others was just beginning.